Letter to my Niece on the Zombie Apocalypse, without Zombies

Dear Niece,

Last night I had bad dreams about the apocalypse without zombies, because I’ve been reading too much Huffington Post. Huffington Post writes about only three things on their main page: Apocalyptic Politics, Apocalyptic Weather, and Kittens. On the Black Voices page they write about Beyonce, Bill Cosby, and Apocalyptic Cops.

Around 2:30 AM, I decided if things get too bad you should come up here to “The Wall.” Since it is remote up here in the Northwoods, we will be safer. In a city, we would have more access to better supplies, of course, but the supplies would run out eventually, and we would have to compete with more people for those supplies, so we would be at greater risk. Here, however, we could live off the land, so to speak, with less human predators to fight. Additionally, fighting will be difficult since I am now against guns due to increased gun violence. Huffington Post writes a lot about gun violence under the Apocalyptic Politics section.

At first I thought we should meet up at J.’s kids’ place, since it would be harder for them to travel with their new baby, and they have a remote spot too. But ultimately we should stay here because our area is more remote, and therefore safer and more sustainable in the long run. Their journey will be rough, but in the end they will be better off.

We need to decide if we will meet you halfway, and at what meeting point, or if you will come here on your own (with your current significant other, or someone else equally effective on the road, preferably someone who owns guns). Remember, from here forward, always keep a full tank. Keep cash on hand in case you sense things brewing, and you want to leave ahead of time. Keep a stash of clean underwear. And rope, never leave home without rope.

Bring CC’s coffee, because they don’t have that here.

It will be hard here at “The Wall” because it is so cold, but if we do have a collapse of civilization, it will most likely be caused by global warming. That means the weather will improve up here. Also, things do grow here in the summer, so we can harvest and stock up, like in the olden days.

So, then around 3:00 AM, I realized that we have a can of bacon grease in the freezer. It’s there so that Hank the Cat won’t eat from it in the middle of the night, which he has taken to doing. The grease would make a good candle.  In actuality, the bacon grease would smell up the house, and we should probably save it for cooking anyway. We have a big enough basement to start storing candles and batteries.

Between you and J., the survival skills will be covered.

I don’t know why I had this nightmare, and woke up fixated on bacon grease in the middle of the night, but that’s that. In the morning light, I was less worried, mostly because you’re coming next week, and so you will know how to find my house in the Northwoods. Don’t talk to any wolves on the way.

-The Aunt

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