Time isn’t holding up – My obsession with aging

Ever since my return from Florida a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been hit with a wave of nostalgia. It’s made me reflect on my life and I’ve realized how much I’ve changed in the past fifteen years, some for good and some for bad. What I’ve noticed mostly, though, is that I’m obsessed with growing old. Not in an “OMG I have wrinkles” sort of way. It’s actually hard to explain the exact nature of my obsession, though. I never thought I’d live past 30. I had a deep-seated belief that I would die before then. I was shocked when that birthday came and went uneventfully. I know, I know, getting old is so far fetched to someone in their 20s. Today, though, it’s all I can think about. Given my doubts about my own existence, I should feel grateful that I’m even alive. Far too frequently, I feel only regretful that I made bad choices and that I spent so much time recovering from a haunted past. Pitiful, I know. It’s also true that the older you get, the faster time goes. There were so many points in my life that I wanted it to be over, and since I don’t feel that way anymore, I just feel it all slipping away too fast.

So I find myself constantly marking my age. All my icons hit 50 last year. Madonna, Prince, Ellen, Michael Jackson (rip), and Kevin Bacon, to name a very few. I noticed that I no longer identify with my students. When did that happen? Probably over ten years ago, but I never took stock of it. Students would never even think of calling me by my first name these days. The age gap is far too wide. I don’t take off my shoes in class. I rarely curse in class (though this semester I have cursed many times already). I come off as stern. One of my students accused me of being stoic (that’s a laugh!). The students I am teaching this year are all Willow’s age! When did that happen?

A recent article in HuffPo lists the five positive aspects of aging.

1. Aging helps you prioritize – you focus on what’s important and let go of what’s not.

2. Aging helps you realize who energizes you – so you can ditch those who don’t. Life’s too short.

3. Aging helps you realize you can leave a positive legacy.

4. Aging helps you get over grudges.

5. Aging keeps you living in the present.

I suppose I do most of this. I’m much better about living in the present than I used to be, but this aging obsession keeps me straddling both the past and the future. Maybe that’s the lesson I need to learn today.